Roasting Captain Kirk

This past weekend, Comedy Central aired their Roast of William Shatner. For those unfamiliar with the "roast" format, the idea is to tell the most insulting, raunchy, and abusive jokes possible about not only the "honoree" but about anybody in the building.You can view parts of the roast online at the Comedy Central website. But for those who just want to cut to the chase, or for folks who might be searching online for some of the choice insults from the event, I've transcribed some of my favorite lines. You can read the uncensored lines after the jump.Jason Alexander:(Video)That chair (captain's chair from the original Star Trek series) fits you like your girdle from seasons 2 and 3.Your other T.J. Hooker costar, the lovely Heather Locklear, wanted to come tonight. But she's dating David Spade now and she may never come again.Bill, as we all know, is an accomplished director. His masterpiece of course is Star Trek 5: Death of a Franchise.Greg Giraldo:(Video)Look at this dais! Fat guys, old ladies, and an Asian. I feel like I'm on a bus to Atlantic City.Farrah Fawcett, that poster of yours caused more DNA to be spilled than a crime lab technician with Parkinson's.George Takei, it couldn't have been easy being a gay Japanese man in the 1950s. It must have been almost impossible to pronounce "glory hole" with a Japanese accent.Bill Shatner, you overact more than Betty White's bladder.Betty White:(Video)It's so good to see Nichelle Nichols and George Takei, because let's face it, we all know William Shatner's nuts... but George has actually tasted them.Farrah Fawcett, you know I don't mean any of these jokes. I feel such a special connection to you Farrah. I'm in my 80s and that's the last decade you mattered.But Bill, you look great. You know they make 1% milk now? You were supposed to explore the galaxy, not fill it.Jeffrey Ross:(Video)Jason Alexander... you sing, you dance, you act, you do everything but make people laugh. But I did love you in March of the Penguins.Look at you Shatner! You've let yourself boldy go. When did you go from Captain Kirk to Captain Crunch? You left T.J. Hooker and went to P.F. Chang's. Do you work at Boston Legal or Boston Market? If Scotty tried to beam you up, you'd break the transporter.On behalf of your fans all over the world, we want to know: What the fuck is on your head? It just growled at me.Artie Lange:(Video)Lisa Lampanelli, you're an overweight, annoying female comic. You're seven horrible movies away from being Janeane Garofalo.What do you say to someone who played an icon? Someone who played a character in science fiction history that was one of the best ever... and then gains a lot of weight and becomes embarassing? You say, "What happened, Carrie Fisher?"Nichelle Nichols:(Video)In a famous 1968 episode, Billy-boy and I shared a kiss that made history. Let's make a little more TV history... and kiss my black ass.Patton Oswalt:(Video)Lisa Lampanelli, the queen of mean, or as the kids call you, the Insult Comic Dog. She's fucked more black men than the Tuskegee experiments.Shatner, could you settle a bet for me and my friends? (pulls out a paper bag) Could you act your way out of this for me?George Takei:(Video)Andy Dick is here tonight. As a fellow gay man, even I have to say: tone it down a little. Andy and I have met many times but until tonight I'd never seen the front of his head.Good evening Bill, my name is George Takei ('ta-kay'). Not "Ta-kai" like you've been saying it for the last 40 years! It's pronounced "Takei"... as in "toupee."All night I've had to stare at that tangled, sticky clump of fur. Farrah, close your legs! At least Betty White had the decency to shave.Bill, your acting is the only thing that makes me gag.Lisa Lampanelli:(Video)Jason Alexander, kiss me... I've always wanted to find out what Jerry Seinfeld's dick tastes like.William Shatner is an author too, and I've read your work. It sucked so bad, your next project should be a suicide note. I'm kidding, don't kill yourself, otherwise Uhura over there won't have anybody's house to clean.When Elton John heard William Shatner sing "Rocket Man", he spit George Takei's dick out of his mouth.Jeff Ross is so unlikable, on MySpace even Tom won't be his friend.Betty White is so old that on her first game show appearance, the grand prize was fire.All addicts look old and tired, just look at Courtney Love... oh, sorry, that's Farrah Fawcett.I tried to TiVo T.J. Hooker, but my TiVo suggested I punch myself in the cunt.William Shatner:(Video)The only thing that really hurts my feelings tonight is that you people just weren't funny.The proudest moments of my career are the charitable works I've done to help the poor, the homeless, the indigent. Nichelle and George know them as Star Treks 3 through 6.Our work together on the bridge of the fabled Enterprise. we broke a lot of stereotypes. Not only did we take a chance and allow an Asian gentleman to drive, we also had a black woman sitting in front of a large screen who didn't yell things at it.George [Takei], I had no idea they'd be so rough on you. They really ripped you a new one. But I'm sure you'll make use of it.Lisa Lampanelli, you're a supremely funny lady. But you'd be a better performer if every time you got on a roll you didn't stop to eat it.Patton Oswald, this guy's like a stalker. He wanted to get so close to me that he shoved my action figure up his ass. And he's such a hard core geek, he didn't even take it out of the box. But I'll sign it for $150.Jason Alexander said he was inspired by me. Why everyone who says they're inspired by me is such a fat fucking loser, I don't know...